Well behaved women rarely make history . . .

The Divine Jane: Reflections on Austen from The Morgan Library & Museum on Vimeo.


Awesome. (Thanks, Jill!)

Dad: Jeni, what are you working on right now?

Jeni: At the moment? I'm scratching off a lottery ticket Liz gave me for my birthday.

Dad: Good to see you're working hard.

Jeni: Yup.

Dad: Also, it's not your birthday.

Jeni: Yup.

Dad: Also, it's not October.

Jeni: Yup.

Dad: I want you to show me what you got done on the script yesterday. We are going to fall behind if we don't keep making progress.

Jeni: I've almost finished it. But at the moment I'm scratching off lottery tickets. Happy Birthday me! 

Dad: Get back to work soon. Well, unless you win the lottery. Then you can tell me to fuck off.

Jeni: I didn't win.

Dad: Ha! Get back to work.

Jeni: I'm going to eat a cupcake first.

I have started a new blog. A blog that doesn't come up when you google Jeni Garlich. Hi, Internet! And for some of the stuff I would like to write about right now, this is key.

If you would like to read my new blog, email me at

returnofthejeni at gmail dot com

Except replace at with @ and dot with .

And I will give you the new URL.

I will still update here. And hopefully soon I will be back to posting more often. But for now, I say goodnight.

Lately I have felt like a terrible dog mom. For the past month or so my dogs have had poop problems. And Internet, yes, I know this is gross to talk about but IMAGINE LIVING WITH IT. It's worse. So much worse. I took them to the vet. I took in stool samples and nothing came back wrong. My dogs were fine. Except when they had explosive poop in their kennel, or on our walks. Sick. 

And then I noticed something. When I let them out back they both sprinted towards the very far end of the yard. They'd never done that before. Huh? Usually they like to be near me or chill out in the screen in porch because, oh, they are spoiled. And hey, what are they chewing on back there? Pears? Hmm, seems okay. 

Except eating 400 pears a day when you weight between 5 and 10 pounds is not okay. In fact too much fiber makes you have lose stool. EXCEPT IT TOOK ME A MONTH TO FIGURE THAT OUT. 

So first I tried to pick up the pears. But OH MY GOD did that tree bear fruit this year. It never has before. Maybe it's all the rain. But every day, MORE PEARS. So now, sadly, the dogs have to go out on a leash or be attached to a yard tie. They don't seem to really mind the yard tie that much, in fact, they now know that when I put their harness on them and say "outside!" they must wait to be hooked up. Typically I sit out there with them so they can't get tangled up, but I think they think it's a game. They rush to the end barking at each other and then get pulled back, over and over again, if dogs could laugh I swear to god they'd be cracking up at how hilarious it is to watch the other one get yanked back.  You'd have to see it to know that they are happy and not pissed to be limited in their movement. 

I'm pretty sure my neighbor thought I'd turned into a horrible dog owner, she looked at me with such disdain when I set up the yard tie but then I told her. Oh, my dogs, they love pears. They eat so many pears they crap in their kennel multiple times a day. And then she looked at me, and said, you'd think dogs would be smarter than that?

Not my dogs. 

Especially not Olive, otherwise known as the dog who gets confused by doorways. 

The past few months have been, how shall I put this, tumultuous. And a lot has been going on. A lot that I can't actually write about here yet. But Internet, trust me, I needed a drink. And a nap.

Today, however, is my dad's surgery. And I am going to be positive if it kills me. Actually, though, being positive has come more easily lately. And I've found that while my life is in total flux, I'm starting to get excited about the possibilities again. And that's good, right?

Anyhow, enough with the cryptic Jeni's Life Blows talk. Let's talk about my dad. He's having his prostate removed today and Internet, I'm counting on you. So please pray, send good thoughts, well wishes, bootie dances, or magic spells to my dad to ensure that his cancer has not spread and that they get it all out today. Then also, please add a second prayer, wish, dance, spell that makes sure he can still get it up and/or doesn't pee his pants. You see, you see how my life has been odd lately, I'VE HAD TO WISH FOR MY DAD TO GET A BONER!

Internet, that's freaking weird.

And while I don't know exactly what the future holds for me, I do know this. The future includes a tutu. And god freaking bless you Internet for helping me find a tutu dress. Soon I shall be sporting my very own tutu dress at a wedding near you.

 

I am not the type of girl who has planned out her wedding since she was 5-years-old. In fact, weddings make me nervous. Especially the thought of mine. All the planning, all the details, all the inevitable fights with my mother. All for one day. Just one big party. That's a lot of work.

But then I saw this. My friend and I had joked awhile back that I should get married in the English country-side that way my guests would wear awesome hats. That might be a touch too expensive, but I damn well might get married in the Missouri country-side and force everyone to wear purple hats and sing Queen at my reception. Because you know, THE BRIDE SAID SO.

Brian & Eileen's Wedding Music Video. from LOCKDOWN projects on Vimeo.

Oh as a side note, I plan to have the bridesmaids wear bad 80's bridesmaid/prom dresses to the rehearsal. And the groomsmen? Oh they'll be wearing bad 70's tuxes to the rehearsal.

You're welcome to steal my ideas, Internet, for the MOST. AWESOME. WEDDING. EVER. Odds are you'll be getting hitched sooner than I will. But c'mon, tell me these aren't the best wedding plans you've ever heard!?!

My colors? No idea.

My flowers? No idea.

Actual serious plans for the ceremony? NO CLUE!

But you know what I'll be wearing to the rehearsal??? This.

Hell yes.

Conversation that happened this morning via Facebook Chat and Facebook Wall posts with my best friend since 7th grade, entitled:

May 14th, 2009 AKA Poop ’09, Stars, and Other Revelations on Life


7:33am Jeni
what happened with penny?
shit splatter? not cool

7:34am Kate
She has diarrhea and I came home to a stinky, shitty, door and wall splattered hallway yesterday. Then at 3:30 this morning the smell of a fresh looking cow pie woke me up. Then she went outside in the pouring rain and shit for like 20 more minutes. And it's her birthday today!

7:35am Jeni
OMG
did she get into something?!?!

7:35am Kate
Also, I just wrote on your wall, so you should read that. And look later today because I'm going to upload a picture of my new haircut.

7:35am Jeni
Nice!

7:35am Kate
No, I don't think so, although I did pull a string out of her ass this morning and so I took away her blanket that she sucks on.

7:35am Jeni
lol
dogs are such a pain in the ass
When Gidget has the runs I feed her rice
or you can put canned pumpkin in their food
it helps "bulk up" their stool
(sick)
Also! YES! I love the star idea

*Side Note: Star Idea -- Facebook Wall Post*
 Also, I noticed Alj**** liked your poop status. WTF?! He needs to back off.

7:38am Kate
He's a freaky ass stalker! He also sent me one of these message things last night. Creepy.
I put oatmeal in her food yesterday which made it less splattery and more cow pie like. Gross.

7:39am Jeni
I think I may need to print off this conversation and frame it

7:39am Kate
Tonight I'll call the vet and cook her stuff. I didn't have time yesterday because of the locksmith coming and Monica cutting my hair.
Haha! Seriously
OMG!!!!!
IT'S POOP 09!!!!!!

7:39am Jeni
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are a psychic!
[editor's note Kate wrote this in a card instead of the date because 2009 sucks so far for both of us]

7:40am Kate
Apparently. . .hmm let's call it Fucking Awesome 09. Will that work?

7:40am Jeni
Do it!
Let's call it Super Hot Guys to Make Out With 09

7:41am Kate
YES! And Jeni and Kate Will Have a Kick Ass Trip to South America 09.

7:41am Jeni
I see a lot of cards being mailed in our future
apparently that is how one communicates to the gods via the date line
who knew?!!

7:41am Kate
For real. Be aware though that the price of the stamp went up.

7:41am Jeni
The Government Takes Too Much of My Money 09

7:42am Kate
Also, I justified my tattoo (which my dad told my mom about BTW!). I figure that if God put a giant fucking birthmark on the back of my leg that I don't want, I can have something there that I do want.
Hah!

7:42am Jeni
HA! Love it!
God needs to be schooled
and I think your tat will do just that
how did your mom react?

7:43am Kate
She just kept going "Mmmm. . ." in a disapproving tone my dad said. She didn't mention it to me yesterday though. She just wanted to see the links to the S.A. trips.

. . .

7:45am Jeni
Nice! I love your mom! Mrs D*xon Rules 09!
bye! have a good day!


Moments later on Kate's  Facebook Wall. . .

Jeni Garlich The reason you are my best friend is because of the AWESOME conversation we had this morning. Big Screen AOL LIVES ON!
Lots of Hot Shoes 09!!!! - 7:46am

Jeni Garlich Or better yet, Cinnamon Bun Ice Cream Makes You Skinny 09!! - 7:46am
 
Kate like this.

At around 9:30AM I heard a knock on my door. Mind you this is Saturday and while I was already awake (thank you, Stress, for waking me up at 5am each day!) I was not prepared to find two people holding Bibles outside my door. Even more surprised to find that one of them was a woman with WAY TOO MUCH EYELINER. Especially for 9:30 IN THE MORNING. Hello! 

Note: Problem with my house is I don't have a peephole. I have some windows at the top, because apparently the people that lived her before were giants. Or they just wanted to pretend like they could see out. So I must open the door to see who it is. Or run around to my bay window and peek out, which I've done, but didn't think about doing this morning because although I was awake, I was wishing I wasn't.

Once I opened the door and saw the eyeliner and the bibles, I knew I was in for it. The man never talked, but Ms. Eyeliner jumped right in. She didn't apologize for knocking on my door too early, but did say that it was a little chilly out so she'd keep it brief. Um, okay.  Was that supposed to make me feel sorry for her? Or admire her strength for braving 55 degree weather?

She asked me how I felt about god blessing some with prosperity and not others? And did I think God did this? What was my opinion? That she knew this was a tough question, but lots of people were thinking it. What did I think? 

And I wanted to say, my opinion is god blessed you with too much eyeliner and a desire to look like an Egyptian Pharaoh, but instead I just said I wasn't interested. Which wasn't nearly as awesome a response as I'd hoped for.

But really someone should tell the Mormons/Jehovah's Witnesses/Crazies that Jesus talk at 9:30AM on a Saturday is not going to convert me.

Especially when you wear a lot of eyeliner and kind of look like a hooker in a cheap business suit.

Just a tip, Jesus! You're welcome!

Yesterday I wore my new yoga pants to work. It was awesome and very comfortable. However, when I got home I realized I'd been wearing them backwards all day.

I seriously have a problem with this. This is twice now!

UPDATE: I just went back and read first entry where I admitted to wearing clothing backwards and I see a common theme here, I AM NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR CLOTHES WITHOUTTAGS. Apparently if clothing gets all fancy and has a printed tag rather than an attached tag, I CANNOT DRESS MYSELF PROPERLY.  I am a genius.

UPDATE PART TWO: It's been awhile since I posted and I felt the need early on to censor myself. To not tell you about how ALL DAY LONG I worried about camel toe. And I was kind of pissed because I checked in the store to make sure there wasn't a camel toe issue when I bought them, but then yesterday, they were too baggy in the front and the extra material kind of gathered in a not-quite-camel-toe-way but a still a way-too-damn-close-camel-toe-for-work-attire-way. And shockingly, wearing the butt part on your crotch doesn't work well for yoga pants either!

And so you see, Internet, I was going to avoid the camel toe part of my story at first. I was going to spare you. But then I remembered why you read this blog (if you still do -- are you out there? I'm sorry I suck at posting) you read this blog to point and laugh. And there is NOTHING better than camel toe to point and laugh about.

You're welcome, Internet.

After letting the dogs outside this morning, I peaked out the window to catch a glimpse of them playing in the yard. There are few moments where I feel real pride as a homeowner, but one of them usually is watching my dog (now dogs) play and run in my yard. The yard I own. The yard I forget to water. But you know, it's mine. And this morning, I expected to feel the same surge of pride when I peered through the mini=blinds. But instead of a surge of pride, I burst out laughing.

Gidget, as you well know Internet, has her fair share of super cute dog sweaters. And this morning Olive (new puppy) was shivering so I went and grabbed her a dog sweater that was too small for Gidget. I left the dogs outside to play while I went in and made breakfast.

But when I peaked out, what I saw was what I've always longed for -- true sisterhood. Gidget, not wanting her bratty little sister, Olive, to borrow her clothes, was trying to pull it off her / dragging Olive around by the sweater. And Olive completely oblivious and only wanting to be near her big sister, sat wagging her tail as Gidget tried yanking it away.

Having two dogs is awesome.